Getting married after divorce? Run for the hills!
I am yet to meet someone going through a divorce who doesn’t feel like throwing up at the thought of walking down aisle or standing at the alter for a second time. I was one of those people who thought, “Never again!”
However, it all changed when I met my second husband.
Things were different, I knew myself better, I understood marriage better and he was better for me. I felt totally different from how I did with my first husband. I felt happier, calmer and life felt so simple. Even if we did not marry, I knew that we were going to stay together.
So how should you go about the wedding the second time?
The short answer is…. however you want!!! The reality though is that you will want to make it different and you will feel a bit self-conscious about making the same promises in front of at least some of the same people.
My first piece of advice for your remarriage, would be to allow yourself to enjoy your second engagement and not to get too self-conscious.
My second piece of advice is to not overthink making it different, it will happen naturally because you are different, your guests and you will be wiser, and the relationship will be different.
However, here are 6 tips for saying “I do” differently so that it feels just as special as the first time you got married.
- Pick a different kind of venue – A barn wedding will feel totally different to a stately home. You can go even more rogue and go abroad and do a beach wedding.
- It goes without saying that you should choose a very different dress or outfit. I would love to hear from people who reused their outfits! Even my financially careful Dad who hates shopping wanted a new outfit!
- Write totally different vows – If you feel uncomfortable saying the same vows which you know you have broken, choose some different ones, and add in some very different personal messages. Mine was all about how marriage is such an unrealistic and disappointing experience but my love for my fiancé meant that I wanted to give it a go, and what I would do differently.
- Change how many speeches you want and who does them – My father did not do one and I had several friends do a joint speech.
- Choose a different style of music or food – Music is so important at setting a scene so choose a very different kind of band or music at your drinks reception. Don’t think to hard though. Let’s face it, whatever band you pick, you know that the DJ will play the same old wedding songs eventually. I have yet to go to a wedding where I don’t hear Black Eyed Peas “Tonight’s going to be a good night”.
- Different food – With such a variety of food, you can really be different in this area too. You can also be really different with the cake. Instead of having a traditional cake, do a cheese cake, cupcake stand or even a French profiterole tower.
The biggest difference that helped me enjoy the wedding prep, was that having had a wedding, I realised that I was going to enjoy the day no matter what. So this stopped me stressing out about things that I now knew would not matter.
And of course, the other thing you now realise, is that what you wear also does not matter at the end of the day. What matters is that you have kept your heart open and found some new and wonderful to love and with whom to have another go at married life. This in itself is special.
For more divorce advice go here.
Dr Isabelle Hung is a co-founder of divorceclub.com and clinical psychologist. Having got through her own divorce just three years ago, she is now remarried and happy to report that divorce really is an opportunity for growth and positive change.