Transcript of Video

Lucy Davis: Dating coach Rachel New is joining me to give us some advice on how do I know when I’m ready to date? So, how do I know if I’m ready to date again?

Rachel New: So I would have five questions that I would ask myself the first is do you have actually have enough time, not just for going on dates, but also for, you know, searching the websites.

If you’re doing online, dating messaging, people improving your profile they say it takes up to an hour a day. That sounds like hard work and you’ve gotta have, you know, time to fit in with going on dates. You don’t wanna be messaging backwards from forwards, trying to find a date for weeks and weeks where you can actually both meet.

Lucy Davis: What’s the next question.

Rachel New: Do you actually know why you’re going on the dating website? So why you’re dating people? You know, what is it that you actually want? Are you just on there for your ego, which is obviously not good. Other people that you’re dating. Some people just want casual sex at that stage.

Or are you looking for some short term fun or something more serious? So try to figure out what you want first, because you will get asked on the dating websites, by people that you’re messaging, you know, why you want here. What do you want.

Lucy Davis: Knowing what you want out of dating must be quite important as well, because it affects your choice of website.

Rachel New: Yeah. And also lots of the sites do. Ask you, you know, to specify what you’re looking for on, okay. Cupid, you can say looking for friends, short term dating or long term dating. If you’re on something like eHarmony, then it’s a given that you’re looking for a serious relationship.

You also find out what you’re looking for after you’ve dated a few people, you might think you’re ready for a relationship, but actually when you’ve dated a few people, it might bring up some issues that you haven’t yet dealt with to do with your past relat. Or you might just realize, actually I’m not ready to settle down again.

I need to, you know, explore who I am and, you know, date a few people. So it’s okay. You know, to discover that as you go along. So the third question you, you need to consider is, do you love yourself enough for somebody else to love you back? If you don’t have a sense of self-worth, then it’s not going to work that well in a new relationship.

So you need to get to the stage where you’re feeling self-sufficient, you’re feeling good about yourself. And your self-esteem is not too.

Lucy Davis: Yeah. And at the divorce club, we always say it’s really important to go into a date, knowing what you want out of it, and having the confidence to ask for, you know, what you want.

And if you don’t have that confidence, then I guess the pitfall is that you can try too hard to mold yourself to what someone else wants, which is not a good way to go.

Rachel New: I think that you can put up with too much when you first start dating, because you’re so excited to find someone that likes you, that you’ll put up with things that you wouldn’t necessarily put up with in another situation.

So, you know, you can treat it a little bit like an interview, but not too much, or that can be a little bit off putting in the sense that you’re saying, well, you know, is this person going to meet my needs? So yeah, I have the self-esteem to say, you know, I’m worth quite a lot. I’m not, you know, I shouldn’t be treated like this.

If they’re not treating you the way that you want to be treated.

Lucy Davis: So what’s the next point.

Rachel New: So the fourth question. Do you have enough emotional resilience to cope with dating? Yes, it is a lot of fun, but it can be, you know, a bit of a blow when somebody doesn’t want to date you again. Or even if you choose to finish dating with somebody, if you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable, which you will be after divorce, you know, it can be quite tough.

And I think especially the first. Time that something comes to an end. It will remind you of, you know, when things came to an end with your ex. So, you know, you need to build up your emotional resilience, have a strong network of support from your friends, especially other people that are dating and you will get more resilient, the more you date.

And then the fifth thing is what do you have to offer? Don’t go into dating where you’re gonna just complain. You know, your terrible situation where you’re, if you’re not getting out doing anything yourself, you’ve got nothing to talk about. Then who’s gonna want to date you. You’ve got to be, you know, an interesting kind of experience for the other person as well.

So think about, you know, making sure you’ve got some hobbies or you’ve been reading some books or whatever, as you like to talk about on dates and, you know, plan to make the evening entertaining for your date.

Lucy Davis: Yeah. And I suppose if you don’t have any hobbies, then it’s all too tempting just to talk about your divorce and your breaker, which is a massive turnoff anyway.

So you need to have something else just to talk about so brilliant tips there. So just summarize them again for everyone.

Rachel New: Firstly, do you have enough time to date? Secondly, do you know what you want? Thirdly, do you love yourself? Fourthly? Do you have enough emotional resilience and a strong support network and fifthly?

What do you have to offer?

Lucy Davis: So that should pretty conclusively help you answer the question. Am I ready to date? Thanks.